If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
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