so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
