there's paper in my vomit.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
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