i was born a porn star she said
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Randomize
