at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
