I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
