I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
