As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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