dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
