I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
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