so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
a search helicopter?!
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
