Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
