talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
