Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
