So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
It's never too late to be topless.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
