It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I just want nice things and good sex
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
