I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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