It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
