I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Watching her eat just hurts me
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
