he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
