You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize