At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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