My room smells like vodka and shame
i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
