I need to stop coming to work sober
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
