my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
Randomize
