my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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