I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
