Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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