Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
