My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
