a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
