legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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