1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
