party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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