Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
