Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
