Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Randomize
