Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
