I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize