I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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