If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
my phone needs a breathalizer
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
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