she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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