The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize