sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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