Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I need water and some morals
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