You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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