Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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