meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Randomize
