You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Randomize
