...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize