I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
