Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
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