Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
