you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize