my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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