and you said cock pushups were impossible
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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