If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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