i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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