I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Randomize