I can text with my tongue
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
